Overdosing Dopamine
Dopamine is the reward neurotransmitter that tells our brain we want more of something. Long-term use and abuse of alcohol (and other drugs) can increase dopamine and alter the way in which it functions. In short, we develop a tolerance; The night cap that once spiked our dopamine production is now required because our brain’s no longer supply dopamine on it’s own.
Drinking, for me, was love at first sip. My brain lit up like Christmas in New York City, I could literally feel the surge of dopamine hit me. I spent nearly half of my life — a large portion of my fundamental years — chasing that high. When I took alcohol away though, I experienced a dopamine deficit and I was no longer seeing life through Rosé colored glasses.
As I was stumbling into recovery, I imagined this new life would be monotonous and uninteresting; but I quickly realized my new life wasn’t boring, it was actually quite eventful.The problem though, with overcoming a dopamine imbalance caused by addiction is that everything pales in comparison to what drinking felt like, even if I were to duplicate the same activities. So, while my life looked like it was more exciting than ever — because let’s be real, drinking at the same bar every weekend with the same people is not that impressive — it didn’t feel like that.
I thought I was broken. I had recently celebrated one year sober when I was sitting in front of my therapist, teary-eyed asking, “WHY? Why does nothing I’m doing feel as fulfilling as drinking once did?” This is how I came to learn about anhedonia and our hedonic set point.
Anhedonia is the inability to experience pleasure. Our hedonic set point is the baseline in which pleasure is felt. I learned that my substance abuse shifted my hedonic set point to a level that was far too high to reach with naturally occurring dopamine or dopamine induced activities which, in turn, influenced anhedonia. Basically, nothing I did felt like enough. And in recovery, that’s a terrifying feeling. I quit drinking in order to rediscover myself, find happiness again and live a fulfilling life…. but in a major turn of events, it seemed that drinking was the only way I could experience immense pleasure again.
On average, it takes approximately fifteen months for our brains to repair our hedonic set point and anhedonia. I feel like I have since gained back my normal ability to experience pleasure, BUT naturally produced dopamine does not carry a pleasure-punch like drinking did…. and it’s not supposed to. Nothing is supposed to feel as good as a chemically altered high… and that’s kind of the point… that’s how we become addicted in the first place.
Healing is not linear, and recovery is no different. Some days are fantastic, and other days I want to crawl back into my addiction and run away from reality. In short, getting shit faced is easier than doing the work it takes to heal from what makes you want to get shit faced.
All in all, I’ve found exciting new hobbies that are more entertaining than drinking could ever have been. I’ve learned I’d rather relax at home and watch a goofy comedy or psychological thriller with my love than waste my money brewery hopping. Now I enjoy game nights with my best friend and her husband more than drinking until dawn after an exhausting work day. Hiking along the Chattahoochee is unquestionably more fulfilling than lying in bed, hungover all day. My passions include perfecting my craft, growing professionally, and doing one thing for myself each day; Whereas my passions used to be (apparently) ruining my body and mind in the name of escaping reality.
If you’ve read this and are terrified now of sobriety, please don’t be. Growth is uncomfortable in all stages, and this is growth beyond your wildest dreams. Since the start of this writing, my hedonic set point has returned to an average baseline. My life looks like a movie and feels like a dream. There is nothing more blissful than a life of recovery for me, and I’m so thankful I am alive to experience it.
Much Love xx
Ken
