Am I an Alcoholic?
The four-worded question I typed into a Google search on countless occasions. Sometimes the morning after a bender barely able to pull myself out of bed to pee, or during my nightly ritual with a drink in my hand. I was haunted by this question for years.
In countless journal entries with unrecognizable handwriting, asking myself “Why can’t I be normal? I always do this, why can’t I just stop?” and in the same week, but now clear-headed, justifying my drinking by explaining, “I quit for forty-something days that one time… so I’m obviously not an alcoholic!” I suffered cognitive dissonance for years.
Often, people use the terms “alcohol abuse” and “alcoholism” interchangeably, but they are not the same. As I’ve stated in a previous blog, the word alcoholic is heavily loaded and filled with stigma; leading people to avoid asking themselves important questions about their drinking habits. Alcoholism, also known as alcohol dependence, is a chronic disease where an individual is physically dependent on alcohol to feel normal. Whereas alcohol abuse is the misuse of alcohol or patterns of drinking that results in harm to one’s life, relationships, and personal wellbeing. The good news is, you don’t need to be an alcoholic to quit drinking!
Alcohol Use Disorder (AUD) encompasses alcohol abuse in a modern way. AUD is measured on a spectrum that ranges from mild, moderate, and severe. Where do you fall?
The aforementioned Google search I conducted weekly, provided numerous quizzes to determine if I was, in fact, an alcoholic. Favorably, each query affirms that the results are not definitive and only you can decide if you are an alcoholic. Well, thank the fucking stars, I thought, because I determined each time — no matter the test results — that I was not alcoholic. With the help of confirmation bias, I reassured myself I was simply twenty-something-years-old and having fun. However, the last time I checked, the fun doesn’t mean losing jobs, draining my bank account, suffering constant hangovers, or ending up in the hospital. I conveniently ignored the havoc my drinking was causing in my life.
Recently, I underwent a professional evaluation to determine where I fall on the spectrum of alcohol use (Not to toot my own horn, but I haven’t scored so high on a test since high school!) Here are some of the questions I answered:
From the Michigan Alcoholism Screening Test:
- Have you ever awakened the morning after some drinking the night before and found that you could not remember a part of the evening? YES
- Are you able to stop drinking without difficulty after having one or two drinks? NO
- Do you ever feel guilty about your drinking? YES
- Have you ever gotten into trouble because of your drinking? YES
- Do you drink before noon fairly often? Do holidays, sunny days, bottomless mimosas, or weekends count… YES
From the Alcohol Use Disorders Identification Test:
- How often do you have a drink containing alcohol? Four+ times/week
- How many drinks containing alcohol do you have on a typical day when you are drinking? At least six
- How often during the last year have you failed to do what was normally expected of you because of drinking? Monthly
- How often during the last year have you felt remorseful or guilty after drinking? Weekly
- Have you or someone else been injured as a result of your drinking? Yes
If you’ve questioned your own relationship with alcohol, you’re not alone. We’ve all had days when we wake up regretting how much we drank the night prior, that doesn't always suggest addiction; but how often are you waking up with disappointment? I hope you are curious enough to take these tests for yourself — and answer honestly — to discover where exactly you fall on the spectrum of alcohol use.
“Sober curiosity fosters self-knowledge” — @BoozelessBliss on Instagram
If you discover you’re on the moderate or even severe end of AUD, your life is not over and you certainly don’t need to label yourself an alcoholic. Sober curious is a trendy term in which you decide to abstain from alcohol for personal or health reasons; In therapy, this is called the contemplation stage. You may not be ready to completely remove alcohol from your life, but want to become more mindful of how often you are drinking, or why you turn to the bottle.
Coming to terms with your drinking patterns is not as petrifying as Alcoholics Anonymous makes it out to be. I’ve learned that quitting drinking is not an act of admitting powerlessness, but an ambition to fight; To no longer be captive to a substance is an intoxicating liberation. We cannot truly be ourselves while washing our individuality away with alcohol.
